First, a prelude to conflict.

Lo and behold, the credibility battle between Bill Gates and Dan Rather began early Thursday morn. And woe unto old Daniel: with the redoubtable efforts of Charles the foo-ball, the Powerline, and the Free Republic; it was shown that a thirty-two year old typewritten document could perfectly mimic MS Word’s Times New Roman.

Now: either Lt. Cmdr. Killian, part of the Texas ANG that Dubyatron was in a year before my older brother was born (let alone me!), painstakingly typed a short memo to self using a top-of-the-line typewriter...

...or we activate our [nigel mode] Kids Next Door Common Sense Array [normal] and conclude that the documents were whipped up on Bill Gates’ ubiquitous creation.

Make the CALL.

Listen. I watch cartoons. Suspension of disbelief is paramount to viewing these shows. But even fiction has to have a standard of believability. While it is strange indeed to see Powerline, Charles, Donald Sensing, and that poster on Free Republic point out glaring inconsistencies in thirty-plus old documents that match MS Word 200x--that a recognized news organization, with the most well-known anchorman since Cronkite, couldn’t spot; odder still is the idea that a National Guard base in TX would have the best typing equipment in the States, that Killian was (he died in 1984)/had a master typist, and all the time in the world to switch out fonts on a souped-up Selectric to type a memo.

The latter is not only odd, it’s flat-out impossible. You see; I work for the government. (I actually have my state and Dubyatron (via SSA) as my boss. And I learned through my two years there so far that my state at least pitches out a supplies contract; which goes to the lowest bidder. (my state is cheap. one time, they had see-the-document-through-the-paper envelopes whose windows tore like...a sheet of paper! Thankfully, it was the state’s stationary, not SSA’s. (They have the nice envelopes.)

I tell this “lowest bidder” tale to say this: I’m pretty certain that when it comes to office supplies, the military/National Guard auctions for low-bids. No National Guard would have gotten an IBM Composer. They would have been lucky to get a monospace Selectric.

The fourth wall has been broken down. The deus ex machina exposed.

William H. Gates III is probably smiling as broadly as that fictional French thief, Arsene Lupin III. He is quite pleased.

= = = = = = = = =

But enough Baghdad Bob comedy, Mr. Rather. How can Mr. al-Sahaf ever get work now?

Besides, we have real issues to contend with, like the Beslan horror. Muslims are making it very hard for us in the West to separate the man, woman, and child from...

...the Maw of Unicron.

So, how do we fight a planet-eater? Before, I know, Islam was Cobra-la; now I drag Transformers: the Movie into this, knowing that if Raksha ever bothered to read this blog, she’d spit at my opinions.

Still, hear White Lion’s song. It throbs throughout these last three years as a neverending refrain, waiting for some noble leader to crack open the Matrix/inspire robots to defy Unicron.

For Islam is the Devourer. What civilization in the past has survived its reign over its people, barring medieval levels of violence?

Everything it touches, dies. Every heart that follows the Quran to the letter succumbs to darkness faster than the four Warlords yielded to Talpa. (Masho to Arago, for subbie purists) There is no joy, no hope, no peace, and no teddy bears where Islam reigns supreme.

And most of the ME Muslims live in abject poverty. I sigh over being broke, and unable to buy that YYH Dark Tourney boxset; but I feel both sorry and disgusted with a number of Muslim societies.

Sorry because my seven bucks is probably more money than a woman in Saudi Arabia would ever see in her lifetime. Disgusted because the only thing that holds Muslims back from their chance at life, liberty, and happiness pursuit is...Islam.

Hear me. I don’t want all the Muslims to die in nuclear fire, their cities reduced to molten glass. I want Islam to die.

There are countless philosophies out there better than Islam. Even the belief that a TANG officer typed a memo that matches MS Word’s Times New Roman is better than Islam. (It is Dan Rather’s solemn belief, and allows you joy and humor.)

Iran: You have Zoroastrianism. Egypt: Your ancient culture inspired a very popular Japanese cartoon/card game/comic book franchise. Just quit the ritual human sacrifices, don’t enslave anyone, and don’t bury the kittens with your dead pharaoh. -- also, no Tombkeepers! -- Syria...what shall I do with thee....

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So many glorious civilizations, crushed by Allah and Mohammed. Will the West be next? Will we lose America, Japan, China, Israel, the UK, Russia, Italy, and (yes) France?

Will we lose glorious Athens and noble Rome? Will we lose the Vatican?

Will we lose Ronald McDonald, Bugs Bunny, Cookie Monster? Will we lose Batman and ET?

Will we lose the Super Bowl?

Will we lose Microsoft, Linux, and the whole of the blogosphere...

...to a borderless ethnos of coward malcontents that reverence an evil god and his reprehensible prophet of doom?

If only we were dealing with Mumm-ra and Skeletor, this sort of foolishness wouldn’t happen.

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The Diabolically Infamous, Notorious Mean One: KAARU RO-BU*!

* karl rove

Oh, the genius of his plan is apparent. I call it the Big #5 Plan: Do nothing to help the cause, and get paid for it.

[I tell you, “Lecter” did zippo for Kaiba Corp.]

While Big #5 did this purposely for his own selfish gain; Karl apparently stumbled onto this after crafting his own perfect plan to take out the DNC opponent.

Except it turns out that the opponent is destroying himself, leaving Karl like the recently-departed Glorft Warmaster Gorath watching Megas beat itself up: utterly befuddled. After getting his bearings, Karl tells Dubyatron just to do his job, continue being a decent human being, and tell the truth.

Yep, that’s his evil master plan to defeat John Kerry. 1980s Skeletor could have thought of that. Even Trap Jaw and Beast Man could have come up with that plan.

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September 11th is nigh. Three years to...

(I typed this whole piece in MS Word 2000, then copy-pasted it onto my blog. I disabled my ordinal superscripts. :D )

...the day when two planes hijacked by brain-dead Saudi terrorists turned the World Trade Center into craters, forcing innocent office employees to choose between seppuku and being cooked alive or crushed by brick, concrete, and glass.

The day the earth stood still as NYC residents wandered through the streets in an unnatural fog of dust and debris.

The day when the Pentagon lost one of its sides...along with many lives.

The day the Pali...whatevers decided to celebrate [because in their eyes, we were the Romefeller Foundation and little Quatre just punched out Treize Khusrenada] by passing out candy.

The day Dick Gephardt was quite angry, and Dan Rather in open grief.

The day when White Lion’s song first started to play.

Now tell me, is now the time to switch leaders? While we’re in an existential war for the very soul of mankind? Perhaps.

George W. Bush radiates hope and tranquility, as well as pure human being. If John F. Kerry wants to win the presidency--which he doesn’t deserve, IMO--he’ll have to do more than tell us that he has a plan. He has to tell us voters what that plan is.

[and no: sending the human version of the ever-beleaguered Soundwave to point out the glaringly obvious to a club of entrenched, Undemocratic Nitwit obfuscators is not a plan.]

Bush’s plan, like most ideas, is far from perfect--or even ideal. But it is a working plan. Let’s put on the smiles of the Toonami Faithful and pardon his dust.

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Show some rage, show some pride;

[Orianna Fallaci...the Italian Genkai]

We must keep hope alive;

[Jesse Jackson, being used for the first good cause in a long time...]

Now is the time!

[to the tune of the first Shin Getta Robo theme...please highlight the other brackets.]

...the battle’s over,
but the war has just begun;
and this way we(it)will remain
till the day when all are...

...what?

Can we answer that, People of the West?